i texted him a week ago, saying that i know he's not gonna want to text me again, but can at least me a reason why that between us has to end? his reply was nothing was wrong between us, only on his side. i felt a little relieved, as in he did reply my text, but deep down i can feel that things can never be like before we met. if you're having a problem and shut yourself away from everyone, will you the same for the one you like? i dont know..

We texted abit in Line for abit, and i asked if we can exchange our mobile numbers, which he did pass it to me, and now we chat in whatsapp..

He told me he wanted to got to Geylang before Ramadan ends, but theres no one to go with him. I offered myself to go on either Thurs or Sat, but agreed on Thursday, which was yesterday. Already agreed to meet at 6.30pm  at Pioneer mrt, but last min he texted that he cannot make it for some family reason, his grandma was warded. This wasnt the first time he cancelled on our meet up. The first was when we're supposed to go out for movie, he was the one initiated to watch movie together. Before that i told him i was feeling down, but didnt want to tell him the reason why. The reason i was feeling down was him lah. I cant be telling him right? So we agreed to watch movie on Friday, but on Thursday he texted that he couldnt make it because of his dad's birthday.

After cancelling 2 meetups, i dont know he's even serious in meeting me or im just very suay that things always happen when we wanna meet, or it's a sign that i should stop trying very hard to get close to him and move on. I suggested that since he cannot make it yesterday, how about today (Friday)? Stupid me. He said he cannot say anything first scared might cancel again, saying will update me again. But from the looks of it, most likely not going out. Probably gonna cook another reason not to got out.. Not that i dont believe what he told me, but all so coincident, right?

I've got a feeling that he's seeing someone, that was why he cancelled, or he has last min better plans. Why do i always fall for someone who dont even have feelings for me?? So difficult.. I just hope the feelings i have for him will quickly fade, no point liking someone who dont like you back.

If only i have someone i can talk to about this it would be much better than typing here, one way communication only. sigh..

Update 5 years later

It has been donkey years that i last updated the blog that no one reads, about 5 years already. I also realized i will update my blog only around mid year. Also today is 22 Ramadan. Afew more days to Raya, and im still not feeling the mood unlike in the past.

As of now, I've been NHCS for almost 3years and a half, December will be my 4th year already, I joined on Wednesday 4th December 2013. The  longest job that i've ever had, thought I have been having thoughts about changing to a new job, if God wills, insha allah..

I am very grateful and thankful and bersyukur sangat that i have met with very nice colleagues that are now my close friends at work. They are the ones who I can really rely on when i need help at work, and they are also the people that motivates me to come to work and make the shittiest day a good one. May our friendship stay even if we take different paths in our lives in the future.

My family now has expended, my second sister is also married on 2012. as of now, i have 4 cute and clever nieces. With both of them moved out from the house, now left just me, my parents and masnah. Initially the house is very quiet , but as time passed by we got used to it.

As for my love life, remains stagnant.. it was for quite awhile that i started to date someone that i know from an app. Initially it just started with a friendly chat, that soon i began to enjoy chatting with him. It was on 1st April 2017, that we started chatting, that was when i was queuing for Coldplay's concert that afternoon from texting through the app, we chatted in Line after that.

He was going to take his final exams at that point of time when i got to know him more, he told his name was Sam, which on the later part i got to know that was not his real name. We texted each other everyday, i began to like him, and we agreed to meet only when he was done with all his exams. While waiting for his exams to finish, we continued to chat through Line. Although there were times that he took very long to reply, but he still do once things are kind of in control at his side. It is not easy for me to fall for someone, but the feeling developed as i text  him even though when we have not met. Everyday i will looking forward to receive his texts and keep on checking my phone. It was a feeling that i have not for a very long time. Something that is close to the feeling of being in love, i think.

On 6th May 2017 we finally went out, and meet for the first time. i didnt think he liked me when we met, maybe out being nice he entertained me throughout the date. We went to Malayan Council to have the Onden ondeh cake as we both wanna try the cake. After that we went to catch a movie, Guardians of the Galaxy at Bugis Plus. He slept throughout the movie. I was chatty when we were texting, but when we met in person, i cant talk much, my mind went blank. I can feel that he was kind of bored, and tried to open conversation. But my regret was when on our train ride home, i didnt  alight the train at Jurong East to say goodbye to him. Instead i asked to run for his train on the other platform. Which i got a feeling that he might think i might not be interested.

To cut story short, we were still texting each other to my surprise, but only less often like before we met. Nonetheless i was thankful that he still want to keep in touch with me after we met. It was until recently he began to change. My texts were either left unread or read without replying. It seems like he is going to distant himself. I wonder what have i done wrong. Even i asked him if he is there, my message was just marked as read. He did not reply. It really does affect me alot, affected my mood and even my sleep, i tend to not able to sleep. Sometimes i feel sorry for myself for falling for someone who does not have the mutual feelings for me.

I have thought of leaving him  a goodbye note, i even drafted it but didnt send to him. I don't think he would even appreciate what i have written for him if i did sent to him. I felt sad but i could not share it with no one, as im not the kind of person who would share with others about what i am going through. Thats the reason why i am writing this long post. At times i do feel like crying, but being me, i cant cry it out, making my chest feels heavy.

Why cant he be truthful to me? Once i even asked him if the reason the we are still texting is because i keep texting him? It took him 1 day to answer my question after i prompted him again. His reply was something that showed he liked me. he said he texted me because he feels like doing so. Actually i did get the hint that he wasnt into me, well, after we met. But i still kept as per normal and text him anyways. but as of 12th June he stopped messaging me even if i texted him.

I knew he blocked me from the app way back when we were still texting each other frequently, saying that he deleted his account, but i doubt so. Today i opened up another account on another dating app, which i had in the past but deleted back then. My heart skipped a beat when i saw his profile in there, and was active about 25min ago, to me  that confirms that he does not want to talk to me anymore. I was very disappointed on how things went now. it was what i had figured. But what to do, you cant force someone to like you back, if you do then it wont be sincere. I just hope i could just forget all this like it never happened before. After all this i am not angry with him, just very disappointed with his actions. We planned to travel to Indonesia together, i guess the plans will just be plans that will never be executed. Was looking forward for the trip in September actually.  :(

Now i put Line on mute and delete it off my main screen, im not surprised he would delete our whole chat, although i still keep our chat history. I guess we are not meant to even start a relationship, as we are of a different world, maybe it's for the best that we dont keep in contact anymore. But i hope the time that i be over this will be soon. I am used to be rejected, but i have always thought this would go somewhere. And when this happened, i fell hard. it was 1 month after we met then he started to be like this. If he did it sooner after we met, i wouldnt be as disappointed and sad like now. I wish i could forget him fast and i hope i wont fall for another guy again. It sucks to be at this end, im sure he dont feel like what im feeling. I hope this phase will go away fast, and God will freeze my heart from loving anyone new.

Hopefully after this long post i can feel better, and forget him faster.

Recall

it's been awhile since i last post something here.. more like 3 years already.. through out these 3 years i went through quite a number of major events in my life. i will continue from where i left from my last post.. on 9/08/09 was my eldest sister's wedding reception.. i was definitely thrilled and happy for her.. but that point of time, i had the worst pimple breakout that last for around 2+ years.. although right now theres no pimple on my face, theres pimple scars left behind.. i was too paranoid about enlisting for NS, the reason why theres bad pimple breakout. on 14/9/09 was my enlistment.. i was so stressed out, mixed feeling and somehow feel insecure.. knowing that the first 3mths in Tekong wont a holiday already enough to me stressed up.. actually my experience in BMT at tekong wasnt a bad one.. although i cant really recall the feelings i felt at that time, i definitely have good memories to think back during BMT times.. was posted to Quebec Coy, Platoon 1 Section1 Bed 3. on ??/12/09 was my Passing Out Parade. marks the end of 3mths of basic military training. at first i didnt like the rehearsal parades, but after awhile i kind of enjoy marching for a parade. i felt so proud and happy, dunno why.. ahhaha theres this one point of time i felt emotional when i saw every coy carrying their flags in front during our 16km or 24km route march.. the feeling just came suddenly, it feels like im really going to the war front or something.. During 24lm route march got scolded by sergent for talking too much during the march, (like wth right?) end up was instructed to lead the platoon marching song.. first time singing loudly.. paisey also.. totally pissed off with that sergent.. after POP we had a 5 days of blocked leave to spend.. so faizal, me and iskandar went to KL for a short trip! ok la i'll stop here for the moment.. going to sahur now.. it's the 4th of Ramadan today..

untitled

hey there.. well i guess i will just post a monthly blog.. haha
will try to do more if im not lazy.. well, for the month of july is not as busy as the past months..
i laze around more everyday.. kinda bored u know..

now i've picked up the reading habit.. so i've been in and out of the library now.. hhe

19 july was my b'day.. it was not as great as the past years but i am still so grateful that my sisters bought me something for my birthday.. my elder sis bought delicious foods and the cake that i wanted ( it's actually the same cake that my 2nd sis ordered for her engagement, but now it's for my b'day.. hehe). my sis sis bought me the bag that i've always wanted.. so happy..

my cousin and family came over that day they also bought a cake too.. it's really a unique cake.. looks like a hamburger, complete with cheese but not real cheese though.. haha
i also got presents from them.. got a earpiece, 2 perfumes which one of it is Gucci Pour Homme..
though im not a fan of woody smelling cologne, im thankful that at least they gave something and remembered my day..
i cant believe myself that in already 21 now.. i dun wan to grow old.. just want to be a teenager forever.. heheh

now i've stopped looking for jobs already.. too tired for disappointments.. im also not far from my enlistment date.. i get scared thinking of that.. i just hope and wish the best for myself..

and i shld get ready 2 gubahan my sister asked me to prepare later.. she needs it on 2 august.. not far from now already..

so i guess i'll stop here and continue again when time permits..

toodles..

Empat Dara Duduk Di Tepi Sungai
Duduk Menjerat Si Ketamlah Batu
Manis Rupa Hai Elok Perangai
Sukar Dipilih Yang Manalah Satu

cant stop listening to this song.. haha





a pic on 060609, my eldest sis's solemnization ceremony..
edited by me occay.. hehehe

the compiled events..

hhmm.. it's been a long while that i last post something.. im nt really busy though..
bt maybe just dont feel like posting anything.. haha weird weird..

as a follow up to the last post, my graduation was on..
they didnt cancelled it as the ministry of health had lowered the precaution to the yellow code,
which previously was orange.. and so, it's a big YAY!.. hahaha..

i really enjoyed my graduation ceremony.. that is 1 of my happiest and proudest moments that i've went through.. i really wish i could graduate again one day.. bt not a a polytehnic again of course..
this time i would like to be in a university.. bt to my disappointment, my application, as well as my friends were rejected..

remember the police interview? yeah they called me again for the final interview, and rejected me.. haiz..
if i ever knew that was coming i might as well skip that.. i was having fever at that time, bt just a low grade fever.. hehe.. bt still, i felt that i've just wasted my time and transport money to get there, which in the end they say i dun fit in..well, actually im quite desperate to find a job, thats the reason why i send the police officer application out of the blue.. bt nvm.. i believe theres something better waiting for me.. way alot better than becoming a policer officer.. bt the time has no come yet..

theres quite alot of things going on in my life lately.. and im so thankful for that.. those experiences made me more realistic and taught me never to put too high hopes on something..
as when it dun turn out the way that u wanted, the pain and disappointment is doubled.. just like what i went thru sometime ago..

recently i was really busy finishing up my 'gubahan' for my both sisters.. 1 will be engaged and another will be someone's wife.. hahaha..on 06.06.09..
overall i am really happy with the outcome that i have made.. i do received a few compliments for it.. hehe so happy for that..
bt 1 thing is that i didnt manage to grab pics of the 'gubahan' i made for my sister whowas getting married at that time.. quite disappointed for that..

mlm nikah tu mmg kecoh.. pihak lelaki bwk bnyk org.. flooded rumah.. yg aku hairan, bile mase dah dekat aku yg berdebar.. jantung degup kencang.. mcm la aku yg nk kawin..
nk amek gmbr pon tangan aku mcm dah terketar-ketar.. agaknye aku rase gementar utk kakak aku yg nk dinikahkn gaknye.. dah jadi isteri org kakak aku yg ni.. yg sorg dah jadi tunang org..
i wish them all the happiness and wonderful time..

kekadang terfikir, time aku nanti mcne kn? siape gaknye yg aku nk kawin nanti? hahaha
gerlfren pon aku tkde.. tapi aku sngt2 la gembira utk kakak2 aku tu.. dpt jumpe dorg nye better half.. rase terharu and kekadang rase sedih jgk.. nanti satu satu tinggal kn rumah yg kite same2 grow up..
kekadang aku rase sedih mc nk nangis tapi tk bersebab.. risau jgk aku ngan diri aku..
nk kate depressed, tapi ape bende yg aku sedih kn? entah la, agaknye bnyk bende aku pendamkn sampai aku terlupe tapi rase sedih tu melekat..

well.. itu je yg aku nk tulis buat mase skrg.. sambil tulis ni aku ulang2 dngr lagu fav aku,
Syurga Di Hati Kita - Ziana Zain..

till then...

Unfortunate events..

hmm.. sometimes i ponder, why does things always go against what i wish it could become?
it all started from the sms that i received from the police force for an interview for me.. and also on the same day came a letter regarding my enlistment for army.. i was hoping i could be enlisted under police force or at least civil defense. but what i got is what i least expected..
bottom line, i have to go for army and i screwed up my police force interview.. i had insomnia for days and kept on losing appetite..

i keep on thinking other better possible answers that i could answer the interviwers. frankly, i am deeply, greatly disappointed with myself. never would i ever thought that i could really screw up an interview and made myself like a fool in front of them.. actually i already know the outcome of that interview as soon as i start speaking in that interview room.. but sometimes truth hurts.. and takes time accept it..
i cant make myself stop thinking bout that interview.. it seem like replaying in my head for days..
no one knows what was going through on my mind that made me couldnt sleep for days.. n bcos of that my mum got really worried.. urgh.. im pretty much like a loser.. never fail to suck at interviews..

after having 2 disappointments, i though things would be somehow go to my liking.. the day that i have been waiting for, that is my Graduation Ceremony is on 11 may.. less than a week, only a few days apart.. but i just found out today that it was postponed till further notice. of course i was shocked and definately angry.. it's the day that i have been waiting for so long.. since last time, i have been wanting to wear the graduation gown.. in fact i have already rented it out from the school stall.. i went further to get extra tickets for me family members to watch my graduation.. woke up in the morning just to get that extra tickets.. everything was ready, my shirt, my tie, my graduation gown and also people who are attending my graduation.. whats left is just to wait for the day to come..

5 more days to go and an announcement of postponing the ceremony was spread.. the feel of excitement is completely gone even if the ceremony were to be scheduled at another time.. all because of the swine flu.. what makes me feel rather angry is that only my course students r affected.. other courses graduation will go as planned starting next wk.. it's all becos we're nurses, that we might carry swine flu virus around? that is so absurd.. how bout other ppl who has been travelling lately and attending the ceremony? have they thought of that?.. why must they be unfair to us?they r just too afraid.. damn kiasu

now i am told to return the graduation gown and collect the diploma cert at the school office.. all my effort is put up to no use.. woke up in the morning just for the ticket, wasted my money on the tie and the shirt, and im really broke.. my dream just cant come true.. sigh..

everything seem to be a disappointment for me.. and soon i'll know there's another disappointment.. the result of the university admission application.. although i know even from the start that my chance for admission is slim, but i couldnt make myself to believe..

if this graduation will not come true, then will i ever get to walk on the stage wearing that graduation gown? going to the university,hmm fat hope..
i just hope things will go fine in time to come, and that i could achieve something bigger that what i've missed..

well i know these r just part n parcel of life that test and also make ourselves stronger for tomorrow.. everyone has to go through no matter how sad, disappointed or emotional you can be..
'when the going gets tough, the tough gets going'

it's amazing

have u heard the song on my blog? It's Amazing by Jem..
what do u feel when u're listening to it?

this is a great song to me as it brings memories to me.. sweet memories that starts to spin whenever i heard this song.. i got to know this song by accident, was searching for a song in multiply(when it still allows to download song.. haha) and heard this song, since then im totally addicted to this song..

this song reminds me of my journey to school every morning in the bus and mrt.. it makes me calm and bring a smile while listening to this song.. i could still remember that i had a video project to be done with my grp member.. it was in the school holidays and we came back to school just to shoot our video.. we had so much fun and theres countless number of takes that have to re-act as being an amature actor is never easy.. i really cherish n treasure those moments that we had spent together..

this song somehow gives me inspiration to stand out and do the things that i always wanted to do.. most of all i do feel sad too while listening to this song.. sad or feeling alil bit emotional as those great and wonderful memories that happened during the time when i was addicted to this song really made a difference and add colours to my poly life.. i miss those times that i spent in sch with my frens, they are the that made me feel me.. in a way that i show my true self and not acting..

see how great a song can be when u have memories linked to it.. cherish those moments that u have with everyone as those memories more or less will make a real person..