The Story Of My Life

Friday, June 23, 2017

i texted him a week ago, saying that i know he's not gonna want to text me again, but can at least me a reason why that between us has to end? his reply was nothing was wrong between us, only on his side. i felt a little relieved, as in he did reply my text, but deep down i can feel that things can never be like before we met. if you're having a problem and shut yourself away from everyone, will you the same for the one you like? i dont know..

We texted abit in Line for abit, and i asked if we can exchange our mobile numbers, which he did pass it to me, and now we chat in whatsapp..

He told me he wanted to got to Geylang before Ramadan ends, but theres no one to go with him. I offered myself to go on either Thurs or Sat, but agreed on Thursday, which was yesterday. Already agreed to meet at 6.30pm  at Pioneer mrt, but last min he texted that he cannot make it for some family reason, his grandma was warded. This wasnt the first time he cancelled on our meet up. The first was when we're supposed to go out for movie, he was the one initiated to watch movie together. Before that i told him i was feeling down, but didnt want to tell him the reason why. The reason i was feeling down was him lah. I cant be telling him right? So we agreed to watch movie on Friday, but on Thursday he texted that he couldnt make it because of his dad's birthday.

After cancelling 2 meetups, i dont know he's even serious in meeting me or im just very suay that things always happen when we wanna meet, or it's a sign that i should stop trying very hard to get close to him and move on. I suggested that since he cannot make it yesterday, how about today (Friday)? Stupid me. He said he cannot say anything first scared might cancel again, saying will update me again. But from the looks of it, most likely not going out. Probably gonna cook another reason not to got out.. Not that i dont believe what he told me, but all so coincident, right?

I've got a feeling that he's seeing someone, that was why he cancelled, or he has last min better plans. Why do i always fall for someone who dont even have feelings for me?? So difficult.. I just hope the feelings i have for him will quickly fade, no point liking someone who dont like you back.

If only i have someone i can talk to about this it would be much better than typing here, one way communication only. sigh..

Saturday, June 17, 2017

Update 5 years later

It has been donkey years that i last updated the blog that no one reads, about 5 years already. I also realized i will update my blog only around mid year. Also today is 22 Ramadan. Afew more days to Raya, and im still not feeling the mood unlike in the past.

As of now, I've been NHCS for almost 3years and a half, December will be my 4th year already, I joined on Wednesday 4th December 2013. The  longest job that i've ever had, thought I have been having thoughts about changing to a new job, if God wills, insha allah..

I am very grateful and thankful and bersyukur sangat that i have met with very nice colleagues that are now my close friends at work. They are the ones who I can really rely on when i need help at work, and they are also the people that motivates me to come to work and make the shittiest day a good one. May our friendship stay even if we take different paths in our lives in the future.

My family now has expended, my second sister is also married on 2012. as of now, i have 4 cute and clever nieces. With both of them moved out from the house, now left just me, my parents and masnah. Initially the house is very quiet , but as time passed by we got used to it.

As for my love life, remains stagnant.. it was for quite awhile that i started to date someone that i know from an app. Initially it just started with a friendly chat, that soon i began to enjoy chatting with him. It was on 1st April 2017, that we started chatting, that was when i was queuing for Coldplay's concert that afternoon from texting through the app, we chatted in Line after that.

He was going to take his final exams at that point of time when i got to know him more, he told his name was Sam, which on the later part i got to know that was not his real name. We texted each other everyday, i began to like him, and we agreed to meet only when he was done with all his exams. While waiting for his exams to finish, we continued to chat through Line. Although there were times that he took very long to reply, but he still do once things are kind of in control at his side. It is not easy for me to fall for someone, but the feeling developed as i text  him even though when we have not met. Everyday i will looking forward to receive his texts and keep on checking my phone. It was a feeling that i have not for a very long time. Something that is close to the feeling of being in love, i think.

On 6th May 2017 we finally went out, and meet for the first time. i didnt think he liked me when we met, maybe out being nice he entertained me throughout the date. We went to Malayan Council to have the Onden ondeh cake as we both wanna try the cake. After that we went to catch a movie, Guardians of the Galaxy at Bugis Plus. He slept throughout the movie. I was chatty when we were texting, but when we met in person, i cant talk much, my mind went blank. I can feel that he was kind of bored, and tried to open conversation. But my regret was when on our train ride home, i didnt  alight the train at Jurong East to say goodbye to him. Instead i asked to run for his train on the other platform. Which i got a feeling that he might think i might not be interested.

To cut story short, we were still texting each other to my surprise, but only less often like before we met. Nonetheless i was thankful that he still want to keep in touch with me after we met. It was until recently he began to change. My texts were either left unread or read without replying. It seems like he is going to distant himself. I wonder what have i done wrong. Even i asked him if he is there, my message was just marked as read. He did not reply. It really does affect me alot, affected my mood and even my sleep, i tend to not able to sleep. Sometimes i feel sorry for myself for falling for someone who does not have the mutual feelings for me.

I have thought of leaving him  a goodbye note, i even drafted it but didnt send to him. I don't think he would even appreciate what i have written for him if i did sent to him. I felt sad but i could not share it with no one, as im not the kind of person who would share with others about what i am going through. Thats the reason why i am writing this long post. At times i do feel like crying, but being me, i cant cry it out, making my chest feels heavy.

Why cant he be truthful to me? Once i even asked him if the reason the we are still texting is because i keep texting him? It took him 1 day to answer my question after i prompted him again. His reply was something that showed he liked me. he said he texted me because he feels like doing so. Actually i did get the hint that he wasnt into me, well, after we met. But i still kept as per normal and text him anyways. but as of 12th June he stopped messaging me even if i texted him.

I knew he blocked me from the app way back when we were still texting each other frequently, saying that he deleted his account, but i doubt so. Today i opened up another account on another dating app, which i had in the past but deleted back then. My heart skipped a beat when i saw his profile in there, and was active about 25min ago, to me  that confirms that he does not want to talk to me anymore. I was very disappointed on how things went now. it was what i had figured. But what to do, you cant force someone to like you back, if you do then it wont be sincere. I just hope i could just forget all this like it never happened before. After all this i am not angry with him, just very disappointed with his actions. We planned to travel to Indonesia together, i guess the plans will just be plans that will never be executed. Was looking forward for the trip in September actually.  :(

Now i put Line on mute and delete it off my main screen, im not surprised he would delete our whole chat, although i still keep our chat history. I guess we are not meant to even start a relationship, as we are of a different world, maybe it's for the best that we dont keep in contact anymore. But i hope the time that i be over this will be soon. I am used to be rejected, but i have always thought this would go somewhere. And when this happened, i fell hard. it was 1 month after we met then he started to be like this. If he did it sooner after we met, i wouldnt be as disappointed and sad like now. I wish i could forget him fast and i hope i wont fall for another guy again. It sucks to be at this end, im sure he dont feel like what im feeling. I hope this phase will go away fast, and God will freeze my heart from loving anyone new.

Hopefully after this long post i can feel better, and forget him faster.